Saturday, July 29, 2006

This past weak...

My work involves no death, no taxes and certainly no certainity. I've very little control on what I could accomplish (as a result) at work, but need to influence everyone around. Its mostly discovery process of finding out who today will find our concept to be useful, who would find it threatening, who would find it politically expedient or who would bless it but not throw hir weight behind it or... So, I go to work with an hope that the lightning would definitly not strike the 6th time. It is generally stressful, since there is no certainity around anything...

This past week, my non-work was far more worse that it made the work look saintly and a breeze ! It has been an emotional roller coaster; with a sense of disquietude. Something that had a probability of 0.00000001% to go wrong did not just go wrong, but went awry with 100% certainity. Along with the mice's, all my plans went south and awry.

It awashes you with a deep sense of futility particularly when you do not have control over the situation and you can only influence it to a minimal extent. The sense of helplessness is more pronounced since it is not about personal self, but some other person who is solely dependent on you and you are burdened with that accountability. Last week, I was running very hard to a stand-still. I was gasping at straws.

When you awaken in the morning, sometimes you have a sense of foreboding. You kind of know that today, at best would be no different from yesterday; the best it could become, is to get worse. And every day, dawn is unrelenting. It happens without a fail. Its the day that begins with hot sun, not a cloud in the sky with clear blue sky. I had complete blues in me.

Sometimes its good to be a loner. Sometimes its really not. The knot-times really stressful, when the Gods are merciful and painful and when they aren't. These are the times you wish you stop being strong for others and be strong for yourself. You wish you had your folks around so that you can have those uncomfortable silences of non-conversations. You atleast know that physical proximity is comforting - its your not-a-care-in-the-world return to innocence. Last week, I certainly caused consternation amongst my folks by calling them to come visit at the earliest.

I thought about the poem I read when I was in school. The poem was called the "Pulley" (iirc). Someone asked God as to why he messed up by creating complexity and sadness in the world, when he had the opportunity to create perfection. God had responded: those were the few pulleys that he had for the man to think about Him. I actually thought about visiting Tiruchendur sometime soon - just to sit in the outer praharam and gaze at the sparkling sea with the breeze. Ah, for that peace.

If you are a loner, sometimes you marvel at how that person can make friends. And how he can ask for a favour with no discomfort (and at the same time, how he would go out of the way to help his friends). It is tough, if you are a kind of person who typically are not used to asking for help. I looked at one such guy last week. Also, somehow I talked to him.

As it is said, once you have hit the rock bottom, found soft sands to sink a bit more and then innovatively could tunnel to plumb new depths, the only way is up. Once you hit the bottom, is when you perhaps ask for help, talk to someone, think about God, be a bit more positive. Not really sure if those are the right things; But for some reason, I did do all those. Was I gently nudged to do those ? By who ? I really dont have a clue. But on cue, on the Friday afternoon, the pieces started falling in rightful place. The puzzle is on course to completion, the picture is emerging; the picture isn't that bleak as I thought it to be, infact it isnt at all - the despair is getting to be weak and is falling away. Things can yet turn out well - there is Mr.Hope around; or is that Mr.God ?


brij said...

you would go to thiruchandur to watch the sparkling sea. i would try surrendering to devotional music I like. we all walk the path trying to balance the head and the heart.

why not go there this weekend, in that massive truck of yours? :)

Anonymous said...

A nice well-written piece (despite the minor spelling and grammar errors. A suggestion: how about changing to font to Times New Roman, 14 point? It's more readable.

Kali's Angel

EnGeetham aka "My Song!" said...

4Brij: Thanks; since this i've been thinking about the visit.

4KA: ah, grammar strikes again ! Thanks. and do keep coming back.