Yet Another Good Bye ! :-(

How do you even say good bye to someone who is your first friend; and forever friend ? 

After 2 year of battle of the dreaded cancer (redux), my dear sister passed away this August. As someone who had acess to so much information, I was very aware of the prognosis of a metastatic cancer; but it never prepares you for the eventuality. I always thought we could have another day, another week and perhaps another month more. But there is no greyness in the eventuality, it is definite. 

My first memory of her, was when I was less than 5 years old - the house in Chennai; where she simply fooled me in a competition. Who wins in finishing first a favorite treat, that my mom made. I was the winner, but then I saw her eat with relish, ever so s-l-o-w-l-y, enjoing every bite of it, and me watching that; it took me several years to realize that she actually won it. Then came the memories, in that lovely house in Katpadi. While playing catch, she had tripped me and I fell and hit my head and started profusely bleeding. I had to have a couple of stitches in my skull; I guess she felt guilty about it and tried to up my spirit by joking and singing a parody of the ad of my dad's bank (and btw, she had such a bad voice! Neither of us had inherited our mom's voice); without realizing laughing only made my pain worse.

She was unerringly/unflinchingly "loyal" to me (and naturally, to her family - kids/spouse) - even when I started smoking, or had that first drink; and when my kid arrived, she was one of the rock that we leaned on for support. She brought the same fierceness in embracing my better half as her sister and my son as her own. Once when my 8 year old kid was bullied and he came in narrated innocently about it, she had tears in her eyes - that is how much she cared for people around her. She always gave the benefit of the doubt to others; she was ever the pacifist within the family and ferocious in defending without, putting her kids (first) and spouse in the front and center, so much so she subsumed her own personality and how she grew up pre-marriage. She wasn't always like this; until upto middle years in college, she was brash and abrasive; but something switched on during the final years, when she became a follower of Puttaparthi Sai Baba and started volunteering in their medical camps. The one thing I am thankful for, is to have reconnected her to Sai-Bhajans during her treatment and last year - I used to go to the Sai temple here and do a video call as the poojai was going on.

To me, personally, she was the first one within the family that I usually talked to. If there was something that I need to get some perspective on, I'll send her a message or ping her. There weren't answers, but sure I was listened to; and that helped. I used to tell her of all the scenarios I had imagined through my life, she going this early was never one of them. In the past months, since she left there are several occasion, that I sense her absence, as I turn around to look for answers or even affirmation with something. She has left a chasm that I doubt can ever be filled. 

Last year, while she was going through the treatment, she and I had a bit of fun as I was walking around, showing the Christmas lights on video call. As we were going through the arches, I told her to duck her head as it may hit the arches - given she is quite tall; and she did that in fun as I walked through each of the lighted arches.

Yesterday, I went to that street - and walked through the arches. The memories of last year and everything else came back to me. How do I even fill that space that she left behind ? How do I even replace a friend of nearly 50+ years, who was my solid scaffold ? Probably never; but perhaps, I'm hoping the past memories she left behind, would be the one that stand in her stead.

Oh, I'm pretty sure yesterday as I was walking through those lighted arches, up there, she ducked her head - as a loyal friend and loving sister, she always humored me and my painfully stupid jokes !

Love you acca and will forever miss you! 

(ps: I'm writing this, as I'm listening to your favourite SPB songs)